Codependency

Codependency is very common, but many people do not understand how much it can harm a person’s emotions and self-esteem. People who are codependent often take care of others’ moods, ignore their needs, and sacrifice themselves to keep a relationship going. At the start, it may look like romance or loyalty, yet after some time, it takes a toll on one person, becomes unfair, and might hurt feelings. When you feel you’re always giving too much, it’s hard to say no, or if your mood depends on someone else, this article can explain your behavior and what steps to take.

What Is Codependency?

When someone starts to act like it’s their job to take care of another’s feelings or actions, it’s called codependency or relationship addiction. It often causes people to lose their own identity, as they give so much energy to taking care of others. The urge to assist the person is so powerful that it can lead to taking on too much responsibility, linking strongly to the person’s emotions, and struggling to be independent. You might always prefer caring for others instead of yourself, avoid any kind of conflict, and deal with guilt or nervousness when focusing on what matters to you.

With time, the balance of the relationship shifts, and one partner ends up giving a lot while the other relies on them. It can be challenging to free oneself from these emotions without help from experts. It is possible for this pattern to appear in romantic relationships, friendships, family life, or at work.

How Codependency Differs from Healthy Dependence

It is necessary to tell the difference between codependency and interdependence, which appears in healthy relationships. When relationships are interdependent, both people can assist each other as they also communicate their own needs and limits.

Alternatively, when someone has codependency, they feel caught up in others’ lives and struggle to be independent. It may seem like the codependent person needs to always look after, care for, or handle the other person to make sure the relationship continues, regardless of the challenge for them.

Typical Signs of Codependency

Codependency is not given as a formal diagnosis, but experts are familiar with its symptoms. Acording to experts and studies in mental health, here are some main signs of codependency:

• A strong desire to receive approval from other people

• Your sense of self-worth is formed by relying on what others say about you

• Choosing to help everyone else even if it goes against your own limits

• Blaming oneself to prevent arguments

• Constantly trying to ignore your feelings or needs

• Fear of being rejected or abandoned

• Attempting to handle or solve others’ problems

• Guilt or anxiety whenever you decide to focus on yourself

• Excessively seeing yourself as someone who helps or cares for others

• Struggles in deciding or upholding personal boundaries

• Remaining in relationships that leave you unsatisfied

Ask yourself:

• Do I commonly take ownership of how my loved ones are feeling or what happens to them?

• Do I think that someone will leave me if I stop trying to help or please them?

• Is it difficult for me to say “no” without feeling guilty?

• Do I often let how other people react to me decide how I feel?

If the questions seem true to you, it is possible that you are in a codependent cycle.

How Codependency Develop

There are various childhood experiences that may lead to development of codependency. According to therapist Sharon Martin Botnick, children growing up with physical, emotional or sexual abuse, or with care givers who persistentently neglected their needs, might learn to turn off their feelings and concentrate all their efforts on appealing to others.

Even living with a parent with a personality disorder (borderline or narcissistic features) may train children to leave their own identity behind in the name of keeping the peace. In a similar manner, restrictive or overprotective parents can cause a child not to form healthy boundaries or learn to be emotionally independent.

In case one of the parents was often absent or abandoned the family, children can have the intense fear of being abandoned again and can be too compliant in the hope that it will not happen again. Caregiver inconsistency-warmth one moment, and emotional withdrawal the next- can result in anxious attachments styles in adulthood. Constant disapproval or ridicule by the family members or peers can cause permanent relationship insecurities.

 Children growing up in these kinds of environments might start believing that their needs are not important or should be denied preventing fighting or rejection. These thoughts and perceptions frequently spill over into adulthood where individuals still strive to gain approval by putting others first and diminishing themselves; all because that is how they were taught to keep safe or feel loved.

Effects of Codependency

The emotional and psychological effects of codependency can be very diverse and many of them may not be apparent at first. A loss of personal identity is one of the most widespread consequences since the participants in the codependent relationship become more and more overwhelmed by the needs and emotions of the other individual. This mainly leads to low self-esteem and little self-worth whereby people only feel useful when they are useful or when they are needed.

Also, Codependency can be quite a rollercoaster emotionally, with highs and lows that are intense due to the state of the relationship. Individuals can have fears of abandonment, and they become anxious or clingy so that they are not left. Along with this, there can be a tendency of possessiveness and jealousy which is fed by the insecurity and the constant need of reassurance.

Even after the realization that the relationship is dysfunctional, many are in denial and find it hard to set boundaries and embrace unhealthy relationships as normal. Paradoxically, it is possible to experience the false security even in the state of emotional turmoil when control or enmeshment is confused with love and stability. The repercussions of this can have far reaching effects on emotional well-being, relationship happiness and general feeling of well-being.

Codependency Causes

Today we know that other family and life circumstances lead to codependency issues. As Melodie Beatty, the author of Codependent No More, states about the causes of codependency,

“Alcoholism in the family helped create codependency, but many other circumstances seemed to produce it, also. One fairly common denominator was having a relationship, personally or professionally, with troubled, needy, or dependent people. But a second, more common denominator seemed to be the unwritten, silent rules that usually develop in the immediate family and set the pace for relationships. These rules prohibit discussion about problems; open expression of feelings; direct, honest communication; realistic expectations, such as being human, vulnerable or imperfect; selfishness, trust in other people and one’s self; playing and having fun; and rocking the delicately balanced family canoe through growth or change-however beneficial that movement might be. These rules are common to alcoholic family systems but can emerge in other families, too (p. 33).”

Generally speaking these are rules are often held by dysfunctional families where chemical or behavioral addictions are present; where physical, sexual or emotional abuse takes place; or, if a family member suffers from a chronic mental or physical illness.

Therapy for Codependency

Codependent people can heal from their co-dependency through counseling and psychotherapy. Counseling explores family-of-origin dynamics and creates awareness how learned messages and behaviors from childhood have far reaching consequences into how people feel about themselves and the relationships they get into. It is through the uncovering of emotional pain and step by step healing that individuals grow. Psychologists instill confidence, self-esteem and a sense of self-worth. Insight changes mal-adaptive behaviors into positive ones. Counseling also teaches the importance of healthy and appropriate boundary setting and facilitates examining “people pleasing” behaviors.

There are free in person and online support groups for individuals who identify as co-dependent and for individuals who are in a relationship with a chemically or behaviorally dependent person. Codependent individuals can join Co-Dependents Anonymous. Family members, loved ones, or any person in a relationship with a chemically dependent person can join Al-Anon. Please see their website for general information. Both of these support groups are based on the 12 step program of Alcoholics Anonymous. The purpose of joining a support group is to share and hear other people’s stories as a means of mutual support.

Breaking Free from Codependent Patterns

The relationships based on codependency are unilateral in nature. One partner tries to give too much, and the other partner grows more and more dependent. The patterns can be difficult to change, yet a healthier balance can be achieved with some deliberate and small adjustments.

Begin by asking yourself whether you are being supportive or controlling. Supporting someone is one thing, controlling their life is another. When others are allowed to be in charge, they stimulate each other to grow emotionally and respect one another.

Another thing is to pay attention to your desires, goals, and interests, which do not have to be the same as your partners. Always going along or compromising too often will result in resentment and loss of identity. You do not need to like everything to remain connected.

The other important skill is that of assertiveness. In a clear, respectful manner learn to say what you desire and what you need. There is no need to explain or defend the creation of boundaries.It is also critical to challenge the negative thoughts. Whenever you find yourself carrying the frequent thoughts of guilt or fear to say no, stop and challenge those thoughts. A question to yourself should be whether you are thinking based on the fact or assumption.

Codependency. Summary

Codependency recovery is not about shutting down or detaching yourself to others, it is about coming back to yourself. It is about finding the way to care about the other without forgetting about yourself and creating the relationships, which rest on the foundation of respect, rather than emotional self-sacrifice.

Healing does not happen overnight, and each step you make on the way to emotional balance is a step to freedom, self-confidence, and more healthy relationships. Here at CHMC German Clinic in Dubai, we know how ingrained these patterns may be. Our caring and dedicated team of psychiatrists and psychologists will be with you each step of the way as you re-learn how to find your voice, your boundaries and your worth.