Collusions. Psychodynamics in Couples Relationships

Introduction. Jürg Willi’s psychodynamic concept of collusions in couple relationships

Collusion is a psychological term for behaviour patterns in relationships caused by an unconscious interplay of different forces. The Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Jürg Willi developed the concept of collusions in couple relationships.

The collusion concept addresses difficulties faced by couples who choose a lasting commitment. In any deeper two-person relationship, there is a division of functions between the partners. They help each other, complement each other, and perform certain tasks on behalf of each other. This increases the efficiency of the couple and provides satisfaction to the partners. The partners play in the relationship distinct roles acting it in opposite variants. The imbalance in the relationship appears with the growing polarity where one of the partners starts to dominate the other.

Jürg Willi. Biographic note

The Swiss psychiatrist and psychotherapist Jürg Willi (16.03.1934-08.04.2019) was specialized in psychoanalysis and systemic psychotherapy. He was the director of the Psychiatric Outpatient Clinic at the University Hospital Zurich. He worked until 1999 as a professor in the outpatient psychiatric and psychotherapeutic department of Zurich University. After his retirement, in 1999, he founded the Institute for Ecological-Systemic Therapy in Zurich, which he led for 10 years. In his later age Willi suffered from Parkinson’s disease and died 2019 age 85. Since the beginning of his work as a psychiatrist, Willi researched so called collusions in couple relationships. In his first book “Couples in Collusion” he identified the unconscious dimensions in partner relationships, which gained worldwide attention. This ground-breaking book was translated into numerous languages and is considered as a masterpiece of psychotherapy.

Systemic therapy and the collusion concept in couple relationships

In 1965, Willi conducted the first psychodynamic psychotherapy for couples in the German-speaking world, making him a pioneer in couple relationships therapy. Unlike other psychoanalyst, who applied psychoanalysis only in one-to-one setting, Willi’s dedicated his research and teaching activities to relationships and personal development in couples. His work expanded the classical Freudian psychoanalysis on dyadic relationships. Willi introduced the concepts of collusion, coevolution, outcome-oriented life path in the relationships and was the founder of systemic psychotherapy. He consistently advocated the fundamental conviction of ecological-systemic thinking where: “The self develops through the other”.

Today Willi’s basic idea of co-evolutionary development in relationships has been confirmed scientifically through the neurophysiological research.

Collusive balance in couple relationships

Every couple relationship is based on the collusions. At first the partnership seems meaningful and creates a desired interdependence and solidarity. The partners tune into each other. However, a relationship is a dynamic process. It’s difficult to keep the balance between distance and the closeness. Too much distance will cause partners to “drift away” from each other. When growing too close together, they can merge and create a “shared self”. The formation of a “shared self” can prove dangerous and become a source of destructive attachment. The “merged identity” suppresses the individuality of each of the partners and it turns the relationship into a “prison” for both partners.

The unprocessed conflict

In such cases, the unprocessed conflicts from the disturbed childhood emotional development phases are taking over in both partners. Now both sides live opposing, complementary “solution variants” of these inner conflicts. The partners unconsciously play clichéd and stereotypical, complementary roles for each other to maintain the relationship. For example, if one partner is narcissistic and in need of admiration, the other often adjusts to this by admiring and idealizing him. This way he delegates his own unprocessed narcissism to the other, a part of whose grandiose glow then also falls on him.

Functional principles of couple collusion in relationships

Functional principles in the partnership deal with the question: How close can couple get without losing their individual identity and how strong should a couple define itself against the outside world? Every couple must find its position on a continuum between fusion and rigid differentiation. The middle range between these extremes allows a normal functioning of a couple relationship.

Willi identified three functional principles for the success of couple relationships:

The boundary principle

A well-functioning couple must clearly define themselves to the outside world. They must feel as a couple but at the same time claim their own space and have a life of their own. The boundaries inward and outward must be visible to the partners themselves as well as to outsiders. However, such boundaries shouldn’t be rigid. It is important to differentiate the relationships between the partners from one another.

Regressive versus progressive behaviour

It is essential for a functional relationship to avoid polarity between the regressive (“childish”) and progressive (“adult”) behaviours between the partners.

The principle of balance of self-esteem

In a functional partnership, the partners must stand in an equal relationship to each other. Such balance is the framework for a functional partnership. Both partners usually intuitively know these rules. If the rules are not upheld, this is usually due to deep-seated difficulties.

Early parent-child relationship versus romantic relationship

There is no human relationship that can come close to the intimacy of the early parent-child relationship as a close romantic relationship. No other relationship can offer such comprehensive fulfilment of the basic needs for security, unity, protection, and care. On the other hand, there is also no other relationship form that demands such a high degree of stability, identity, autonomy, and maturity from partners. The partners demand mutual understanding and support for their own development. Solving the problems that arise in a partnership requires competence and initiative.

Mutual support provides partners with a high degree of satisfaction and is an essential motivation for forming a romantic relationship. Being able to temporarily regress is an important requirement for maturing. In a healthy romantic relationship, partners benefit from the opportunity to partially progress and regress in a free-swinging balance. For example, when one partner is regressing by crying, the other partner slips into the comforting/mothering role. Soon it’s the other’s turn who is helpless and calls upon the advice and support of the former.

Progressive and regressive tendencies in collusive couple relationships

In Willi’s relationship model, the concepts of the regressive and progressive positions play a central role. Everyone has both progressive and regressive tendencies, but some people have a harder time exhibiting progressive or regressive behaviour. In a relationship, some individuals tend to exhibit purely regressive behaviour by expecting a relationship to solely fulfil their needs. This behaviour may have been caused by experiences of disappointment during childhood. Such disappointments can be the “breading ground” for a lifelong, insatiable need to make up for what was missing.

On the other hand, some people may feel overwhelmed by trying to be an adult. In such cases any form of weak behaviour would be rejected as immature. In the relationship, they seek a role in which they can act as the leader and helper. However, this need is not based on true strength and maturity, but rather an attempt to cover up their own immaturity and weakness. The relationship is now an attempt to balance this by exhibiting mature behaviour.

The collusive equality balance

In a happy relationship, both partners have a sense of equality. This means that they are equal in their self-esteem. It does not mean that they have to fulfil the same behaviours and functions. For example, one of the partners can take on the leadership role outwardly and be more extroverted and sociable, which does not necessarily mean that the other partner is inferior.

The principle of equality is usually maintained at the beginning of the relationship, but it’s not guaranteed that it will be maintained over the course of a long-standing relationship.

As long as partners are still relating to each other, there usually still is a balance of dominance and subordination. But if the tension between the partners increases, the struggle for dominance in a relationship becomes harder. If the balance tips, there are numerous ways to restore it. They can restore the balance by dealing with disagreements personally or by participating in a couple counselling.

The risk of growing imbalance

There can be also contra-productive trials to restore the balance, for example by having an accusing attitude, running away, psychosomatic symptom formation, involving third parties or by having affairs.

Under today’s social conditions, it is still possible for a man to better combine family and career advancement. When men become fathers, they continue to have better chances of boosting their self-esteem through professional achievements. In contrast, mothers who embrace the homemaker role receive less social validation. This triggers conflicts within the relationship which can end in separation or divorce.

Functional relationship is a continuously changing process

It is important to understand that a functional relationship is not as a static structure that remains the same over time. Every human relationship, including couple’s relationships, is a continuously changing process.

Every relationship goes through developmental phases that bring conflicts and crises. Sometimes partners are afraid to embrace conflicts, fearing that they will destroy their original happiness. However, it’s the effort to properly deal with phase-typical crises which keeps the relationship alive.

The occurrence of crises within a partnership is not pathological. Critical for the marriage survival is the conflict’s solving process. The avoidance of an open discussion can unleash the destructive forces. This, in turn, can lead to an escalation of the situation and result in entrenchment in collusion.

The marriage is the most binding form of close relationships, but the same applies to close relationships without a marriage certificate.

Key points of the collusion concept

• Collusion refers to the unacknowledged (unconscious) cooperation between partners due to a similar, unresolved basic conflict.
• The partners play out the same conflict in different roles acting it in opposite polarized variants.
• Partners with a similar basic conflict provoke progressive and regressive behaviour in each other. The “self-healing attempt” is nothing else as a contra productive neurotic defence.
• After being together for a long time, this so-called collusive “self-healing attempt” (neurotic conflict resolution) fails. In consequence the parts transferred (projected) to the partner come back in one’s own self with a destructive energy.

Conclusion. Importance of the collusion concept in couple relationships

The concept of collusions was Willi’s great contribution to understand the psychodynamics in couple’s relationships.

Willi was the first psychotherapist who applied psychodynamic therapy in couple’s counselling. He expanded the classical Freudian psychoanalysis on dyadic relationships.

Willi’s concept is still highly relevant in the couple therapy but also in the single sessions with one of the partners.