Marriage Counselling and Couples Therapy

Good relationships are profoundly rewarding. In such relationships, we feel safe and secure, loved, understood, appreciated, and supported. A happy relationship between partners is the main attribute of better mental and physical health, positive parenting, good work performance, and life satisfaction.

In today’s world, many couples face a wide range of challenges ranging from minor disagreements to significant relationship problems. They will benefit from a neutral space and professional guidance to discuss misunderstandings and challenges and work through them.  

Marriage counselling, also known as couples therapy, is a form of therapy that helps couples work through their relationship issues, conflict resolution, and overall satisfaction in their partnership.

Most relationships begin with a great deal of positivity and mutual support; however, over the years, dysfunction and unhappiness can creep into a relationship/marriage and even result in a divorce.

It’s important to consider that marriage counselling is not a quick fix for relationship problems. The process can be challenging, and it requires effort and commitment from both partners. However, many couples find that the time and energy they invest in therapy is well worth it. In most cases, it leads to significant improvements in the marital relationship. In some cases, therapy can even save a relationship that is on the brink of collapse.

Restoring Communication Through Marriage Counselling

One of the most common reasons couples seek marriage counselling is to improve their communication skills. Good communication is essential for any successful relationship. Couples therapy provides a structure for partners to learn how to listen to one another, express their feelings, and understand each other’s perspectives. The behavioural approach in marriage counselling involves learning how to manage conflict, provide emotional support, and compromise. The therapist can also help couples identify negative patterns in their communication and work to replace them with more positive, healthy behaviours.

Other common reasons couples seek marriage counselling are for relationship problems, such as infidelity, financial stress, and other challenges that can strain a partnership. A skilled therapist can help partners understand each other’s perspectives, work through difficult emotions, and develop a plan for moving forward together. The therapist also provides guidance on how to rebuild trust, improve intimacy, and create a stronger foundation for their relationship.

Marriage counselling can also be beneficial for couples who are looking to deepen their connection and improve their overall satisfaction in their partnership. The therapist helps couples identify their strengths and weaknesses, set goals and create a plan on how to achieve them. This may involve exploring new ways to show love and affection, finding ways to support each other’s interests and hobbies, and improving a couple’s physical and emotional intimacy.

Gottman Method in Marriage Counselling and Couples Therapy

Dr. John Gottman is one of the most well-known contemporary relationship researchers. His method is an approach to marriage counselling therapy that involves a thorough, scientifically based assessment of the couple’s relationship. He extensively studied marital relationships, applying sound scientific methodology in what he called a “love lab.”

He identified principles that successful couples use to build a harmonious and lasting relationship. Gottman claimed to possess enough scientific data to observe a couple for about five minutes and predict with 91% accuracy whether they will divorce.

Gottman’s theory identifies four main behaviours: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The quality of these behaviours is a significant predictor of relationship failure.

John Gottman. Biographic Note

John Gottman has earned a reputation through his insights in relationship research. With an academic background backed by a Ph.D. in Psychology from the University of Wisconsin and subsequent postdoctoral studies at MIT, Gottman has spent over four decades exploring the nuances of human relationships.

He is particularly known for his work at the “Love Lab” at the University of Washington. He conducted with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, unique and groundbreaking experimental studies. These studies involved observing couples in an environment modelled in an ordinary living space. He gathered valuable data on partner interactions, enabling him to identify patterns and behaviours crucial to the success or failure of relationships.

Gottman’s bestseller, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” makes his research findings accessible to a wider audience.

John Gottman is a co-founder of the Gottman Institute, popularising his knowledge and methods to help couples build healthier relationships.

Prerequisites for Balanced Relationships

The components for a balanced and happy couple relationship are:

Patience

No one is perfect! Especially in a marriage, we should remember this phrase because mistakes and minor disagreements will definitely occur. However, it’s a bad sign if you or your partner show impatience in such situations. Giving up quickly in a relationship following the conviction “next time I will find my ideal partner” is rather immature. It’s different when both of you are patient and convey to each other that you can understand each other. Of course, this won’t always be the case. However, a happy marriage thrives on compromises and communication. If these two factors are in place, no hurdle is too big.

Honesty

To fall in love with someone is not always just about appearances. Sure, the beard or physique may play a role in the first impression, but it should be the character traits that captivate you. If you’re always honest with your partner and they are equally honest with you, it’s a sign that you can trust each other blindly. If you want to have a happy and long-lasting relationship, this is an important aspect. As soon as either of you starts keeping secrets or lying, the tables can quickly turn, and mistrust will become a part of everyday life.

Applying Gottman’s Method

Gottman’s theory identifies four main behaviours: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The quality of these behaviours help are significant predictors of relationship failure. These concepts are widespread not only in academic psychology but also in popular science literature and counselling practice.

Steps in Gottman’s therapy:

Collecting Data

Gottman Method in Marriage Counselling begins with an assessment, starting with a joint session between the couple and therapist. The therapist speaks with each member of the couple individually. Additionally, couples may fill out questionnaires developed within the Gottman Method. This allows the therapist to collectively form a comprehensive understanding of the relationship, providing feedback to the couple on the stability of their partnership and deciding on the most valuable interventions for the couple.

The Intervention

The Gottman Method aims to improve couples’ bonding and conflict management skills. Being able to predict the potential risk of a divorce allows the couple to take preemptive steps and overcome even the most destructive relationship patterns. The method aims to disarm conflicting verbal communication, increase intimacy, respect, and affection, and eliminate barriers that create a sense of stagnation. As a result, couples learn in therapy to improve interactions, move from negative to positive, deepen emotional connection, and achieve shared goals.

Happy and Unhappy Marital Relationship

Gottman identified certain signs that indicate a happy (or unhappy) couple relationship:

Unhappy Couple

• show greater negative expression of emotions or feelings towards oneself.
• They have a higher ratio of negativity than positivity.
• have more negative views on their spouses or other important people.
• show criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling (withdrawal).
• show more patterns of “wife demanding and husband withdrawing.”
• Think negatively about your partners and create negative narratives about their marriage.
• have greater physiological arousal (blood pressure, sweat, etc.) than happy marriages.

Happy Couple

• turn to yourselves. During their daily interaction, partners “turn” towards each other, not “turn away”. Basically, it means that interest, excitement, and irritability are shared and answered.
• During daily discussions and casual conversation, partners comfort each other with interest, affection, appreciation, empathy, humour, etc.
• Each partner knows his partner’s world and constantly updates this knowledge.
• show admiration and sympathy. Marriage partners show each other spontaneous admiration and affection.
• The apologies (verbal, humorous, gift, etc.) are accepted, and tension is dissipated.
• Partners tend to gently tackle controversial topics. These positive start-ups prevent emotional flooding and physiological arousal.
• Husbands, in particular, benefit from the soft start.
• The partners influence each other respectfully. The conflict is mitigated by assertive persuasion to find a solution.
• Show a positive effect. This means there is a lot of interest, affection, humour, and appreciation.

Gottman’s Signs Preceding Separation and Divorce

It’s important to view marriage as a commitment. Such a commitment is not broken just because difficulties arise. When partners said “I do,” it was accompanied by the promise to be there for each other even in bad times. This perspective can motivate them to weather the marital crisis together rather than giving up prematurely.

Changes don’t have to be negative to trigger a marital crisis; positive changes can also be decisive. For example, the birth of a child. When suddenly nothing is the same as it once was, a couple must rediscover each other. Some couples fail this challenge.

One of the saddest reasons a marriage dies is that neither partner recognises its value until it’s too late. Too often, a good marriage is taken for granted instead of being nourished and respected as it deserves and needs.

Dr. Gottman identified six indicators preliminary to a divorce. By the way couples argue, the risk of divorce can be estimated.

First sign: A Rough Start

If a discussion begins with criticism, sarcasm, contempt, etc., it’s a “rough start.” Research shows that if an argument starts this way, it will almost certainly end on a negative note, regardless of attempts to be “nice.”

Second Sign: “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”

These four horsemen typically trample into the centre of a marriage in the following order: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

The first horseman: Criticism

Complaining about the person you live with will inevitably happen. But there’s a vast difference between a complaint and criticism. A complaint targets a specific incident where your spouse did something wrong. Criticism, on the other hand, is broader, involving negative comments about your partner’s character or personality. While a complaint focuses on a particular behaviour, criticism makes things bigger by involving blame and condemning character. The problem with criticism is that when it becomes habitual, it paves the way for other, more dangerous horsemen.

The second horseman: Contempt

Sarcasm and cynicism are expressions of contempt. The same goes for cursing, eye-rolling, mockery, and disrespectful, disdainful humour. However, contempt manifests—the most dangerous of the four horsemen—it always poisons a relationship by expressing dislike. It’s nearly impossible to solve a problem when a partner feels rejected. Thus, contempt inevitably leads to conflict rather than resolution.

The third horseman: Defensiveness

While it’s understandable to defend oneself, research shows that this approach rarely yields desired results. The attacking partner doesn’t back down or apologise. That’s because defensiveness is essentially a way to blame the partner. In essence, it says, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.” Defensiveness only escalates the conflict.

The fourth horseman: Stonewalling

In marriages where discussions start with a rough beginning and where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness, which in turn generates more contempt and more defensiveness, one partner sometimes shuts down. This signals the arrival of the fourth horseman.

Imagine a husband coming home from work, encountering a wall of criticism from his wife, and then hiding behind the newspaper. The less he responds, the more she scolds. Eventually, he might get up and leave the room. Instead of engaging with his wife, he prefers to withdraw. By turning away from her, he avoids a fight but also his marriage. He (often the husband) stonewalls.

Third Sign: Flooding

Usually, a partner builds stonewalls to protect themselves from flooding. Flooding means the partner’s negativity becomes so overwhelming and sudden that it’s staggering. If flooding is frequent, it indicates an impending separation.

Fourth Sign: Body Signals

Arguments can stress the body: increased heart rate, sweating, etc. During such an adrenaline rush, one can’t communicate or listen properly.

Men and women are truly different. In 85% of marriages, it’s the man who stonewalls. After an argument, a man’s heart rate and blood pressure will remain elevated longer than a woman’s. Thus, men tend to avoid arguments because they stress them more than women. Men also dwell more on negative thoughts that upset them than women.

This leads to a conflict pattern often found: The woman handles stress better and thus brings up sensitive topics more often than the man. The man tries to avoid getting drawn into a discussion. He’ll justify, stonewall, or quickly become combative to silence the woman.

Fifth Sign: Failed Repair Attempts

Repair attempts are efforts to diffuse tension during a difficult discussion. Constant failure of repair attempts is a clear indication of an impending separation. Whether a repair attempt succeeds has little to do with its sophistication. The state of the marriage is crucial.

Sixth Sign: Bad Memories

In a marriage where the past is perceived negatively, there’s a high risk of separation. Healthy couples tend to forget the negative and remember mainly the positive aspects.

An affair is usually a symptom of a dying marriage, not the cause. The end of this marriage could have been predicted long ago (see the six signs).

Coples Problems and Their Solutions in Gottman Method

When married couples are asked why they divorced, a common answer is often: “We just grew apart.” Life as a whole is a process of development and learning. That’s why it’s entirely possible for a once healthy relationship to not work anymore because one or both partners have changed.

Whether a marital crisis warrants divorce depends, of course, on the individual case. If a breach of trust has been too severe or if both spouses have developed in completely different directions, separation might be the only solution. However, this by no means implies that every marital crisis must end up in the divorce lawyer’s office. On the contrary, if the problems are constructively dealt with together, you as a couple can even emerge stronger from them.

Jealousy in Couples Relationship

Jealousy is a classic relationship issue. Exaggeratedly controlling the partner harms mutual trust. There might be various reasons for mistrust, sometimes rooted in negative past experiences, sometimes related to early childhood.

Stay faithful to each other. Infidelity is a classic cause of marital crises. Temptations are human, but giving in to them indicates something missing in the marriage. Therefore, it’s important to not neglect romance and sexuality even in long-term marriages.

Misunderstandings in Couples Relationship

Throughout the day, we talk to colleagues or strangers at work, leaving little time for conversation with our partners. Plus, men often don’t like to talk excessively. However, communication is crucial for relationships. To create closeness, partners should not only discuss wishes and fears but also share everyday experiences.

Nothing is too mundane or unimportant. What matters more is that partners talk to each other. Most misunderstandings arise from inadequate communication.

Solution: Don’t pressure each other! After a big change, it takes time to find a new rhythm. It’s best to think ahead about what the upcoming changes could look like and how to deal with them. Establish rituals. For instance, cook together more often and discuss your day. Even if it’s difficult, try to speak to the partner about the daily routine. It shows that there is mutual interest in a partner’s life.

Partner Braking Promises

“We’ll do this, I promise!” From this casual remark, a significant relationship problem can arise if promises aren’t kept or continually postponed. Don’t make promises to the partner if you are not able to fulfil them. Multiple postponements can erode trust in the relationship.

Demand and Retreat

“You never talk about your feelings!” This accusation is more frequently levelled by women at their partners. But this can become a vicious cycle: the partner doesn’t know what the other wants to hear and withdraws. This cycle of dissatisfaction can be broken through communication.

Financial Problems

Money is either a contentious issue or one not discussed in relationships, both detrimental to love. First, reflect on the topic alone: Are your financial expectations really so different? Often, couples with similar values come together. Spendthrifts and penny-pinchers seldom travel the same path long-term.

Solution: Never discuss money in an argument. Instead, schedule a time to calmly discuss your household finances. Openly explain your stance to your partner and listen to their opinion. Look for solutions together and be willing to compromise. If you can’t find common ground, consider separating your finances rather than having a joint account. One thing is certain: money isn’t worth breaking love over.

Differing Future Plans or No Plans at All

Another common reason for a marital crisis is differing future plans. If your visions are far apart, crisis is practically inevitable. So, regularly discuss future planning in all aspects of life (career, family, residence). Are your visions aligned?

Discuss your future plans together.

No Spending Time Together

He wants to go to the movies, she wants to go kite surfing, and conflict arises. Having different ideas about how to spend time together isn’t necessarily bad if both of you can pursue your interests in the end. Work, sports, friend gatherings, kids, and other commitments—a week flies by, leaving little time for your partner. Yet, shared quality time is the cornerstone of long-term happiness. If your relationship fails, everything else in your life will suffer. Therefore, it’s essential to value your time together. It’s also a prerequisite for good communication and emotional closeness.

What to do? Allow each other space to pursue individual hobbies. But if you’re unhappy because your partner doesn’t share your interests, clarify exactly what you’re expecting. Make time! If necessary, mark it firmly on your shared calendar. Find common interests and space for exchange. For example, go out to eat or take long walks together. Crucially, keep all electronic devices off and ritualise these mini-dates.

Arguing About Household Chores

Cleaning, laundry, dishwashing—a few topics cause more everyday conflicts than household chores. Interestingly, it’s often not about the unfair division but rather lack of appreciation. So, when your partner complains about always unloading the dishwasher, they’re not necessarily saying they dislike it. They just wish you’d recognise their effort and not take it for granted.

What to do? Express gratitude more often. This doesn’t mean delivering a speech every time your partner cleans the toilet. But thanking your partner for taking care of groceries or ironing, for example, lets them know you appreciate it. It’s simple yet highly effective!

Deterioration of Intimate Life

When we’re newly in love, nothing else matters. But as the relationship progresses, the frustrating phrase “Sorry, no time!” crops up more often. Our priorities shift to our daily life routine, and quality time together slips down the list. In many cases, a lack of intimacy in the bedroom isn’t due to disinterest but rather a loss of emotional closeness in the relationship. Affection decreases, and the desire for shared intimacy wanes.

Solution: A decline in emotional closeness is common in busy lives, but you shouldn’t accept it permanently. Take action. Functional sex is vital for your relationship’s health. To reignite your sex life, you don’t necessarily need a sexual therapist or self-help books. Re-establish emotional connection through deep, meaningful conversations. Embrace each other; touch tenderly. Once closeness is restored, set aside time for sex. Make plans or book a hotel. Afterwards, let things flow naturally.

Saving the Partnership Using Gottman Principles

The Gottman Method in marriage counselling identifies the conflicts and helps to resolve them. Since most conflicts are perpetual, the Gottman Therapy specifically focuses on assisting couples in learning to deal with this type of conflict. The method helps to resolve them based on seven principles used by successful and harmonious marriages.

First Principle: Updating the Partners “Map”

Many spouses have only vague ideas about each other’s joys, preferences, dislikes, and fears. Couples with emotional intelligence are deeply familiar with each other’s world—they have a detailed “map” of their partner. They know each other’s life goals, worries, and hopes. Without this knowledge, you can’t truly know your partner. For example, the majority of couples experienced a sudden drop in marital satisfaction when they became parents for the first time. Couples whose marriage even improved after childbirth had detailed knowledge of each other.

So, make time to tell each other about your day. Spend at least one evening together each week. Few gifts partners can give each other are as significant as the joy of feeling understood and accepted. The more you know about each other’s inner world, the stronger and more fulfilling your partnership will be.

Second Principle: Nurture Admiration for Each Other

Affection and admiration are two crucial components of a fulfilling and enduring relationship. Even though happily married couples may sometimes feel frustrated with their partner’s quirks, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honour and respect. However, if this feeling is absent in a marriage, the relationship cannot be revived.

To determine if a couple still has a functioning system of affection and admiration, you can ask the partners about their memories from the past. Couples who view the history of their marriage positively will also have a happy future. However, if happy memories are suppressed, then it is a sign that the marriage needs help.

Avoiding Contempt

Contempt is an acid that destroys the bond between husband and wife over time. If you’ve lost affection and admiration for your partner, be reminded that you fell in love with your spouse because you admired his/her qualities. The saying that love is blind is utterly true. The initial fascination by a partner is always one-sided, neglecting the less favourable characteristics. But you will agree that nobody is perfect. Loving your partner as a real person with all imperfections is a sign of a mature relationship. The closer you are to your deep-seated positive feelings for each other, the less likely you are to treat your partner with contempt when you disagree.

It’s not difficult at all to revive or increase affection and admiration in your relationship. Even long-buried positive feelings can be easily brought to light by thinking and talking about them.

Third Principle: Turn Towards Each Other

A deeply rooted love is kept alive when you let your partner know how much you appreciate them, despite the daily grind. The inner bond between partners can be solidified by “making bids.”

Make a bid

Making a bid for your partner’s attention, affection, or support helps you turn towards each other. It lays the foundation for an emotional connection and passion. Partners who have the tendency to turn towards each other rather than turn away are depositing something into their mutual emotional bank account. They are creating an emotional reserve that will serve as a backup when times get tough. Because they have accumulated all this goodwill, it will be easier for them to be generous with each other even in difficult times.

The small things matter

Many people think that the secret to reconnecting with their partner is a candlelit dinner or an exclusive vacation. But the real secret is turning towards each other in many small ways every day. A candlelit dinner only fuels the affection if the couple has built the right embers by staying connected in all the little moments.

Partners often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of thoughtlessness, not malice. The first step towards each other is to realise how important these ordinary moments are for a balanced and affectionate marriage.

Fourth Principle: Let Yourself Be Influenced by Your Partner

There was a time when macho attitudes were commonplace among husbands. However, today men who allow their wives to influence them are happier in their marriages. It’s equally important for wives to treat their husbands with appreciation and respect. However, research shows that the vast majority of women already do this. They allow themselves to be influenced by their husbands in decision-making by considering their views and feelings. Unfortunately, men very rarely return this favour.

The wives of men who allow their partners’ influence are much less likely to be harsh with their husbands when bringing up a sensitive issue in an argument. Therefore, their marriage will be more resilient.

Keeping “balance of power”

When a husband allows himself to be influenced by his wife, his open-mindedness supports the positive aspects of his relationship by strengthening the friendship with his wife. This happens not only because it makes the marriage much more enjoyable when there isn’t a constant power struggle (collusive imbalance of power), but also because such a husband is capable of learning from his wife. Especially about feelings and relationships, men can learn a lot from women.

This allows them to understand the world of women much better, as well as that of their children and friends. Perhaps they won’t react as sensitively as women, but they will learn how to communicate emotionally better. This is not only beneficial for the marriage but also for the children. A husband who treats his wife as equal and allows himself to be influenced by her is usually a wonderful father.

Fifth Principle: Solve Your Solvable Problems

The fifth principle of Gottman Method in marriage counselling encompasses the following steps:

1. Start gently

In couples’ relationships, women are much more likely than men to bring up sensitive issues and then push to resolve them. A crucial point in discussing relationships problems is the “how and when”. Starting off gently and in a quiet atmosphere is essential if you want to solve conflicts. Discussing problems in an aggressive manner will only further escalate the situation. But if you start off gently—if you complain but don’t criticise or attack your partner in any way—then the discussion will likely end productively.

2. Learn to make and accept repair attempts

If your discussion starts off on the wrong foot or you find yourselves in an endless cycle of blame, you can prevent a disaster by knowing how to put the brakes on. Gottman calls this “braking repair attempts”. There are specific words you can say to your partner to de-escalate the tension. If you use them in negatively tuned discussions, you’ll be able to prevent your arguments from escalating. If your partner makes a repair attempt, it’s your job to simply accept it. See the interruptions as a request to turn things around for the better. That also means allowing yourself to be influenced by your partner.

3. Calm yourselves and each other

To calm each other, you must first seriously address flooding. The first step is to interrupt the fight. If you continue, you’ll either explode or shut down in front of your partner, and neither of these reactions will take you anywhere but further down the stairs. Therefore, the only sensible strategy is to let your partner know that you’re feeling flooded and need a break. This break should last at least half an hour. Turn back to the discussion only if your rage is over.

It’s important to get insight about yours and your partner’s character and temperament. This helps to calm each other in difficult situations, resolving the tensions before the conflict escalates.

4. Make compromises

Whether you like it or not, the only solution to marital problems lies in compromise. In a relationship, it’s simply not possible for everything to go your way. Demonstrating always that you are right would create such inequality and injustice that the marriage would spiral down.

Before attempting to resolve a conflict, remember that the cornerstone of any compromise is the fourth secret of a good marriage, which is allowing influence. That means a compromise only works if you’re open to your partner’s opinions and desires.

5. Discuss the problems

Decide together which solvable problem you want to tackle. Then sit separately and think about the problem. Remember, the more capable you are of compromising, the more convincing you will be to your partner.

6. Tolerate each other’s mistakes

All too often, a marriage is trapped in “if only.” If only your partner were taller, richer, smarter, prettier, or more erotic, all your problems would disappear. As long as this attitude prevails, it will be very difficult to manage conflicts.

If you can’t accept your partner’s quirks and weaknesses, you won’t be able to reach a successful compromise. Instead, you’ll always futilely try to change your partner. Conflict resolution isn’t about one person changing; it’s about negotiation, finding common ground, and finding ways to move forward together.

Sixth Principle: Overcome Deadlocks

She wants kids; he doesn’t. She wants to pray; he’s an atheist. He’s a homebody; she likes to go out. Those are the examples of a deadlock.

The goal when it comes to overcoming a deadlock is not to solve the problem but rather to start a conversation out of the dilemma. The insurmountable conflict will always be a constant issue in your marriage, but one day you’ll be able to talk about it without hurting each other. You’ll learn to live with the problem.

To find a way out of a deadlock, you first need to understand where the causes lie. A deadlock is an indication that you have dreams for your life that are not being acknowledged or respected by your partner. By dreams, we mean hopes, desires, and wishes that are part of your own identity and give life meaning and purpose.

In happy marriages, couples incorporate the goals of both partners into the concept of their relationship. These goals can be concrete (house, education) or abstract (longing for security, seeing life as an adventure).

In a happy marriage, neither partner insists that the other give up their dream or tries to manipulate the partner in that regard. They work as a team and fully consider each other’s longings.

Seventh Principle: Create a Shared Sense of Purpose

Marriage means more than a day-to-day routine, like raising children, working, and doing chores. It also has a spiritual dimension, requiring an inner shared life and a culture rich in symbols and rituals.

Certainly, it’s possible to live in parallel world without a deep shared understanding of what matters in life. However, partners living in separate “baubles” are not the best example for a meaningful relationship. It’s rather a “partnership of convenience”.

On the other side, it’s impossible to create a completely aligned marriage without giving up one partner’s individuality. Such “perfect alignments” are possible only if one partner identifies with the contrapart, losing his/her sense of self.

A balanced partnership requires compromises without breaching the partner’s own identity. Perhaps you adhere to different religions or have different nationality but have enough respect for each other’s uniqueness to bridge the differences. However, a rich and meaningful marriage needs a “common denominator”: the acceptance on fundamental things in life.

Therefore, a crucial goal of any marriage is to create an atmosphere where everyone is encouraged to honestly discuss their beliefs, dreams and goals. The more you talk kindly and respectfully to each other, the more likely your ideas of meaning will converge. The more shared purpose you can find, the deeper, richer, and more rewarding your relationship will be.

The foundations of shared purpose between husband and wife are built through: rituals, division of roles, goals, and symbols.

Family Rituals

It’s a sad fact that few families regularly eat together. It’s crucial for a marriage to create informal rituals that provide space to be emotionally connected. Rituals don’t necessarily have to come from your childhood or family history; you can create your own. New rituals can emerge from a sense of what your family lacked.

Create your own family ritual by discussing what you desire. Talk about what this ritual (or the absence of rituals) meant to you when you were young. Then outline your ritual so you know who should do what and when. Let these rituals become something you regularly engage in and look forward to.

• A weekly meeting just for the two of you, without the children.
• Celebrate almost any minor or major achievement and create a culture of praise in your marriage.
• Rituals for tough times, setbacks, or exhaustion. How can you help each other heal and replenish with new energy?
• Rituals for staying connected with relatives and friends: Family gatherings and celebrations can be planned.
• Birthdays and recurring special events: e.g., important holidays, anniversaries… Additionally, there are also important one-time rituals like passing exams and weddings.

Roles

Our sense of where we belong in life is largely based on the various roles we play—we are partners, children, perhaps parents, and in one way or another, workers. In terms of marriage, our view of our own roles and those of our partners can either contribute to harmony between us or create tension.

Your marriage will be deeper the more similar your expectations of each other are, the more you agree on role understanding. It positively contributes to a marriage when you have the same ideas about parenthood and uphold the same values ​​that you absolutely want to adhere by your children.

The same applies to questions about the type of contact you want to have with your parents and siblings. Even your ideas about what it means to be employed and the importance you attach to your own work can deepen the feeling of connection with your partner.

Personal Goals

The goals we want to achieve are part of what makes life meaningful. We all have some very practical goals, such as achieving material stability, and we also have deeper, more spiritual goals. Often, we don’t even articulate our innermost goals, and sometimes we haven’t even asked ourselves what they actually look like. But when we do, it gives us the opportunity to explore something that can be crucial to ourselves and our marriage.

Questions about goals in your respective personal life plans and in your marriage:

• What goals do you have in life—for yourself, for your partner, for your children? What do you want to achieve in the next five to ten years?
• Name a lifelong dream you want to fulfil.
• What role does spirituality play in your life? What significance did it have in your childhood family? How should it be in your family?

Common Symbols

Another sign of shared meaning in a marriage is that you are surrounded in your life by things that reflect the values and beliefs you share. Often, these “things” are actually symbols. Some symbols are abstract but no less meaningful for a marriage. For example, family stories can symbolise a wide range of values.

Meaning and importance of symbols in the marriage:

• Which symbols (like photos or other objects) show where your family stands in this world?

• Family stories also have symbolic significance, often representing a whole range of values and teaching them as well. Which stories from your family date back into the past—stories you are proud of and should be part of the tradition in which your family continues?

• What does home mean to you? What qualities must it have for you? What was a home like in your childhood family?

• What in your life is a symbol of your idea of how to lead a good, meaningful life?

Psychodynamic Therapy in Marriage Counselling

Psychodynamic therapy in couple counselling refers to the approach that uses psychological insights, theory, and methods based on Freudian psychoanalysis.

In psychodynamic therapies, the main goal is to help couples understand their unconscious motivations and conflicts. Childhood memories, experiences and family constellations always influence how couples relate to each other. The main therapeutic objective is to uncover the dynamics of conflicts and to identify how they impact behaviours and interactions. In particular, the psychodynamic therapist analyses the role of projections and transfers that lead up to the conflict.

Positive and Negative Projections

In Freudian psychology, positive projections are the projections of positive images we hold of ourselves onto others. On the other side, negative projections are projections onto others of the negative images and feelings we hold of ourselves.

Positive projections attribute one’s own positive traits, qualities, and strengths to others. For example, a person who values honesty, diligence, or success might unconsciously project their own longings for such qualities onto someone else. A “verified” projection often turns out to be from the objective truth.

Negative projections involve attributing one’s own negative traits, insecurities, and weaknesses onto others. A person who “suppresses” his/her negative characteristics, being fully unconscious of them, tends to project them. This way the aggressive impulses, “politically incorrect” desires, and other negative traces are projected onto someone else.

Projections always have negative effects leading to misunderstandings, conflicts, and to a distorted view of others. Every marriage starts with positive projections and can end because of negative ones. A person being in the grip of negative projections tends to demonise their partner, which typically ends in an unsolvable crisis.

Falling in love. The Positive Projection

When we fall in love with someone, we are projecting onto him/her qualities, traits or attributes we desire or wish to see in ourselves. This concept suggests that love is initially based on wrong assumptions and illusions. When in love, we idealise the other person and see in him/her the fulfilment of our unconscious needs and desires.

Negative Projections. Verifying the Truth

According to Freud’s psychoanalytical theory, projection is a defence mechanism that helps individuals protect themselves from their own unpleasant thoughts, feelings and impulses. Projection is a way to attribute (project) an individual’s own unconscious negative traits, desires, fears, and impulses to others. Projection as a defence mechanism helps individuals maintain their sense of self-esteem and gives them a positive self-image.

Projections are the main root cause of human conflicts. They lead to xenophobia (demonising the others), wars, and clashes within social groups and partnerships.

Transference in Couple Dynamics

The other key concept in psychodynamic therapy in couples is the idea of transference. Transference means to “transfer” someone’s positive or negative experiences onto the other. It is the transference of past experiences that determines how we perceive and respond to our current partner. A person unconsciously repeats patterns of behaviour from childhood in his/her current relationship.

Marital Conflict. In the “Crossfire” of Projections and transfers

Projections have a negative impact on relationships, as individuals are unable to understand or connect with others. In marital relationships, partners project their own unconscious material onto each other. Negative projections destroy relationships, causing individuals to view their partner as the only source of the couple’s problems. This helps them avoid the confrontation with the content of their own unconscious “lumber room” they can’t accept. The partners misinterpret their significant other’s behaviours and intentions and respond in ways that are not based on reality.  “Bilateral” projections that take place within relationships tend to escalate. Couple counselling is often the only way to avoid fighting and separating.

“Unwinding” Projections and Transferences

In psychodynamic therapy in couple counselling, the therapist works collaboratively with the couple. This psychodynamic psychotherapy helps individuals uncover and understand their unconscious motivations and conflicts. The main objective in psychodynamic therapy is to understand the dynamics of the relationship mostly by uncovering partners’ projections and transferences. Developing a deeper understanding of themselves is the “golden road” to solve misunderstandings and to lift the marriage to a higher level.

Another key concept in psychodynamic therapy in couples counselling is the importance of understanding and working through conflicts related to power and control. Such psychodynamics in the relationships are called “collusions”.

A mature and balanced partnership can be archived by loving one’s partner despite his/her imperfections. The second prerequisite is the awareness of our “shadow”, essentially understanding our own negative traces, impulses and desires.  

Jürg Willi’s Collusions in Marriage Counselling and Couples Therapy

Collusion is a psychological term for behaviour patterns in relationships caused by an unconscious interplay of different forces. The Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Jürg Willi developed the concept of collusions in couple relationships.

The collusion concept addresses difficulties faced by couples who choose a lasting commitment. In any deeper two-person relationship, there is a division of functions between the partners. They help each other, complement each other, and perform certain tasks on behalf of each other. This increases the efficiency of the couple and provides satisfaction to the partners. The partners play in the relationship distinct roles, acting it in opposite variants. The imbalance in the relationship appears with the growing polarity where one of the partners starts to dominate the other.

Jürg Willi. Biographic Note

The Swiss psychiatrist and psychotherapist Jürg Willi (16.03.1934-08.04.2019) specialised in psychoanalysis and systemic psychotherapy. He was the director of the Psychiatric Outpatient Clinic at the University Hospital Zurich. He worked until 1999 as a professor in the outpatient psychiatric and psychotherapeutic department of Zurich University. After his retirement, in 1999, he founded the Institute for Ecological-Systemic Therapy in Zurich, which he led for 10 years. In his later age, Willi suffered from Parkinson’s disease and died in 2019 at age 85. Since the beginning of his work as a psychiatrist, Willi has researched so-called collusions in couple relationships. In his first book, “Couples in Collusion,” he identified the unconscious dimensions in partner relationships, which gained worldwide attention. This ground-breaking book was translated into numerous languages and is considered as a masterpiece of psychotherapy.

Collusion Concept in Couple Relationships

In 1965, Willi conducted the first psychodynamic psychotherapy for couples in the German-speaking world, making him a pioneer in couple relationships therapy. Unlike other psychoanalyst, who applied psychoanalysis only in one-to-one setting, Willi’s dedicated his research and teaching activities to relationships and personal development in couples. His work expanded the classical Freudian psychoanalysis on dyadic relationships. Willi introduced the concepts of collusion, coevolution, and an outcome-orientated life path in relationships and was the founder of systemic psychotherapy. He consistently advocated the fundamental conviction of ecological-systemic thinking, where “the self develops through the other.”.

Today Willi’s basic idea of co-evolutionary development in relationships has been confirmed scientifically through the neurophysiological research.

Collusive Balance in Couple Relationships

Every couple relationship is based on the collusions. At first, the partnership seems meaningful and creates a desired interdependence and solidarity. The partners tune into each other. However, a relationship is a dynamic process. It’s difficult to keep the balance between distance and closeness. Too much distance will cause partners to “drift away” from each other. When growing too close together, they can merge and create a “shared self”. The formation of a “shared self” can prove dangerous and become a source of destructive attachment. The “merged identity” suppresses the individuality of each of the partners and it turns the relationship into a “prison” for both partners.

The Unprocessed Conflict

In such cases, the unprocessed conflicts from the disturbed childhood emotional development phases are taking over in both partners. Now both sides live opposing, complementary “solution variants” of these inner conflicts. The partners unconsciously play clichéd and stereotypical, complementary roles for each other to maintain the relationship. For example, if one partner is narcissistic and in need of admiration, the other often adjusts to this by admiring and couplesidealizing him. This way he delegates his own unprocessed narcissism to the other, a part of whose grandiose glow then also falls on him.

Functional Principles in Couple Collusion

Functional principles in the partnership deal with the question: How close can couple get without losing their individual identity and how strong should a couple define itself against the outside world? Every couple must find its position on a continuum between fusion and rigid differentiation. The middle range between these extremes allows a normal functioning of a couple relationship.

Willi identified three functional principles for the success of couple relationships:

The boundary principle

A well-functioning couple must clearly define themselves to the outside world. They must feel as a couple but at the same time claim their own space and have a life of their own. The boundaries inward and outward must be visible to the partners themselves as well as to outsiders. However, such boundaries shouldn’t be rigid. It is important to differentiate the relationships between the partners from one another.

Regressive versus progressive behaviour

It is essential for a functional relationship to avoid polarity between the regressive (“childish”) and progressive (“adult”) behaviours between the partners.

The principle of balance of self-esteem

In a functional partnership, the partners must stand in an equal relationship to each other. Such balance is the framework for a functional partnership. Both partners usually intuitively know these rules. If the rules are not upheld, this is usually due to deep-seated difficulties.

Early Parent-Child Relationship versus Romantic Relationship

There is no human relationship that can come close to the intimacy of the early parent-child relationship as a close romantic relationship. No other relationship can offer such comprehensive fulfilment of the basic needs for security, unity, protection, and care. On the other hand, there is also no other relationship form that demands such a high degree of stability, identity, autonomy, and maturity from partners. The partners demand mutual understanding and support for their own development. Solving the problems that arise in a partnership requires competence and initiative.

Mutual support provides partners with a high degree of satisfaction and is an essential motivation for forming a romantic relationship. Being able to temporarily regress is an important requirement for maturing. In a healthy romantic relationship, partners benefit from the opportunity to partially progress and regress in a free-swinging balance. For example, when one partner is regressing by crying, the other partner slips into the comforting/mothering role. Soon it’s the other’s turn who is helpless and calls upon the advice and support of the former.

Progressive and Regressive Tendencies in Collusive Relationships

In Willi’s relationship model, the concepts of the regressive and progressive positions play a central role. Everyone has both progressive and regressive tendencies, but some people have a harder time exhibiting progressive or regressive behaviour. In a relationship, some individuals tend to exhibit purely regressive behaviour by expecting a relationship to solely fulfil their needs. This behaviour may have been caused by experiences of disappointment during childhood. Such disappointments can be the “breading ground” for a lifelong, insatiable need to make up for what was missing.

On the other hand, some people may feel overwhelmed by trying to be an adult. In such cases, any form of weak behaviour would be rejected as immature. In the relationship, they seek a role in which they can act as the leader and helper. However, this need is not based on true strength and maturity but rather an attempt to cover up their own immaturity and weakness. The relationship is now an attempt to balance this by exhibiting mature behaviour.

Collusive Equality Balance

In a happy relationship, both partners have a sense of equality. This means that they are equal in their self-esteem. It does not mean that they have to fulfil the same behaviours and functions. For example, one of the partners can take on the leadership role outwardly and be more extroverted and sociable, which does not necessarily mean that the other partner is inferior.

The principle of equality is usually maintained at the beginning of the relationship, but it’s not guaranteed that it will be maintained over the course of a long-standing relationship.

As long as partners are still relating to each other, there usually still is a balance of dominance and subordination. But if the tension between the partners increases, the struggle for dominance in a relationship becomes harder. If the balance tips, there are numerous ways to restore it. They can restore the balance by dealing with disagreements personally or by participating in couple counselling.

The risk of growing imbalance

There can also be contraproductive trials to restore the balance, for example, by having an accusing attitude, running away, psychosomatic symptom formation, involving third parties, or having affairs.

Under today’s social conditions, it is still possible for a man to better combine family and career advancement. When men become fathers, they continue to have better chances of boosting their self-esteem through professional achievements. In contrast, mothers who embrace the homemaker role receive less social validation. This triggers conflicts within the relationship, which can end in separation or divorce.

Continuous Changes in Relationship

It is important to understand that a functional relationship is not as a static structure that remains the same over time. Every human relationship, including couple’s relationships, is a continuously changing process.

Every relationship goes through developmental phases that bring conflicts and crises. Sometimes partners are afraid to embrace conflicts, fearing that they will destroy their original happiness. However, it’s the effort to properly deal with phase-typical crises which keeps the relationship alive.

The occurrence of crises within a partnership is not pathological. Critical for the marriage’s survival is the conflict’s solving process. The avoidance of an open discussion can unleash the destructive forces. This, in turn, can lead to an escalation of the situation and result in entrenchment in collusion.

The marriage is the most binding form of close relationships, but the same applies to close relationships without a marriage certificate.

Key Points of Collusion Concept in Couples Therapy

• Collusion refers to the unacknowledged (unconscious) cooperation between partners due to a similar, unresolved basic conflict.
• The partners play out the same conflict in different roles, acting it in opposite polarised variants.
• Partners with a similar basic conflict provoke progressive and regressive behaviour in each other. The “self-healing attempt” is nothing else as a contra productive neurotic defence.
• After being together for a long time, this so-called collusive “self-healing attempt” (neurotic conflict resolution) fails. In consequence, the parts transferred (projected) to the partner come back in one’s own self with destructive energy.

Counselling for Pathological Jealousy in Couples

Jealousy is a multifaceted interpersonal, cognitive, behavioural, and emotional phenomenon—one of the issues we often address in couples counselling.

Jealousy is a negatively valanced emotional condition due to a threatened or real loss of a valued relationship. It usually happens because of the threat of an actual or fictional adversary. Similarly, one may feel jealous because of expected or real rejection by a partner in favour of a rival. As an intricate social feeling or mixture of emotions, jealousy comprises, in differing ratios, fury or anger over unfaithfulness, fear of rejection and the related pain, uncertainty and self-doubt, suspicion, feeling offended and disgraced, hatred, and grief. It evokes bodily, behavioural, and cognitive responses to defend against relationship threats. Jealousy may lead to hopelessness, depression, anger, violence, anxiety, intimidation, and, in some cases, death.

Approaches for Treatment of Pathological Jealousy

This article outlines a cognitive-behavioural approach for dealing with pathological jealousy, commonly defined as a groundless preoccupation with the partner’s unfaithfulness. Likewise, pathological jealousy may involve a disproportionate obsession with potential infidelity or intrusive thoughts related to previous relationships of the partner. Furthermore, an ongoing romantic interest in another individual who is not the partner (any longer) may be related to pathological jealousy.

projection,Several theories exist to explain jealousy. Evolutionary theory suggests that jealousy is a behavioural mechanism developed to safeguard the investment in a relationship where reproduction is a possibility.

The psychodynamic theory provides captivating conceptualisations of jealousy based on concepts of disrupted object relations, paranoid ideation, projection, and ambivalent insecure attachment.

Cognitive-Behavioural Approach for Treatment of (pathological) Jealousy

A cognitive-behavioural model of jealousy (Leahy & Tirch, 2008) suggests that jealousy is a type of worry characterised as agitated, angry worry. The model incorporates several fundamental concepts.

Cognitive distortions and hyperawareness of threat 

As with any anxiety condition, the main feature of jealousy is an attentional bias towards threatening stimuli. Thus, the jealous person is likely to misapprehend neutral or ambiguous information as a danger to the relationship. As a result, they engage in dysfunctional thinking. This maladaptive thinking results from cognitive distortions (thinking errors). A pattern of cognitive distortions may include fortune-telling (“He/She is going to leave me”), personalising (“He/She is watching TV because he no longer finds me attractive”), mind-reading (“He/She is interested in someone else”) and overgeneralising (“He/She is always doing that”).

Emotional schemas

Similar to other reservations aggravated by the belief that “If I am afraid, then it is unsafe,” the jealous person uses his emotional concentration as an alert that the danger is real. One of the most rigid emotional schemas rests on the belief that uncertainty about one’s partner is intolerable.

Core beliefs

Jealousy often arises due to core beliefs about the self and others. Negative core beliefs about the self-result from the thoughts that one is unlovable or not good enough. Thus, individuals with a core belief that they are undesirable would be more likely to be jealous. Core beliefs about others are based on the opinion that others are manipulative, dishonest, rejecting, or inferior.

Metacognition

Similar to worriers, jealous individuals trust that their jealousy will help them avoid “surprises,” prepare them for the worst-case scenario, or let them catch things before they fall to pieces. They believe that their jealousy protects them but also that their jealousy is uncontrollable. Consequently, they try to get their jealousy “under control” by reassurance seeking. Furthermore, they suppress the feeling of jealousy or avoid the circumstances that can cause them to feel jealous.

Intolerance of uncertainty

Like the worrier, the jealous person thinks that uncertainty about their partner’s “actual” interests is intolerable. Jealous people try to eradicate this uncertainty by seeking evidence, reassurance or challenging the partner. This hardly ever leads to a reasonable outcome, thereby demanding more certainty.

Dysfunctional interpersonal coping

Jealous individuals strongly believe that they must act, gain control and establish “what is actually taking place.” Consequently, they activate maladaptive interpersonal coping mechanisms that result in greater insecurity. These maladaptive mechanisms are threatening to leave, surveilling, controlling, or attacking partners, deferring to partners, seeking reassurance, degrading competitors, or engaging in infidelity.

Cognitive-Behavioural Counselling for Jealousy in Couples Therapy

Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) techniques known to be effective for the treatment of jealousy include the following:

Practising mindful awareness

In this phase, we learn to notice the primary flush of jealousy in the body using an imaginary circumstance that would typically induce this feeling. Subsequently, we switch to the fundamental mindfulness of the breath practice. This 5-7-minute practice involves concentrating on non-judgemental awareness of the present moment based on the bodily sensations involved in breathing. When disturbing emotions, images or thoughts arise, we merely observe them. We simply label them and gently bring attention back to breathing. Mindfulness practices aid in disengaging from jealous thoughts by practicing non-judgemental awareness of the present moment experience.

Practising acceptance

This crucial treatment stage aims at acknowledging that uncertainty is an unavoidable fragment of any relationship. However, tolerating uncertainty as unavoidable does not mean giving up one’s rights. Furthermore, attempting to suppress jealousy and jealousy-based forecasts may paradoxically intensify their occurrence. It is critically important to admit that you cannot control your partner’s thoughts and behaviours. Furthermore, you may not even be able to prevent the experience of jealousy. However, you can choose the way to respond to jealous feelings.

Uncertainty training

Similarly, to worry, jealousy includes intolerance of uncertainty about undesirable occasions. Uncertainty training involves analysing the costs and benefits of uncertainty and investigating examples of accepting different types of uncertainty in daily life to increase tolerance for all uncertainties. 

Consequently, we practice thought and verbal exposure therapy. Exposure-based techniques take advantage of habituation happening due to repeated exposure when an individual stops paying attention or inadequately responds to particular thoughts or objects.

Examining cognitive biases, core beliefs and schemas

At this stage, we employ traditional CBT methods, such as identifying cognitive distortions (thinking errors). The distortions usually include “mind-reading”, “personalising”, “labelling”, “catastrophising”, “disqualifying the positive”, etc. Furthermore, we explore core beliefs (e.g. “I am a loser”, “I’m unlovable”, etc.). Subsequently, we examine the evidence for and against dysfunctional thoughts and elaborate alternative interpretations. Jealousy belongs to personal schemas about inadequacy, imperfection, sexual attractiveness or unlovability. In close collaboration with their clinicians, individuals suffering from jealousy scrutinise these schemas in terms of roots, costs-benefits, and use of alternative, more positive, and adaptive schemas.

De-catastrophising potential loss

This phase involves visualising and de-catastrophising the “worst-case scenario” that could happen if jealous forecasts were true. Moreover, we examine the evidence for and against troublesome thoughts. In addition, we assess the essentiality of the relationship for our life by considering existing options for a meaningful life independent of the relationship.

Addressing Infidelity in Marriage Counselling

Addressing infidelity is one of the biggest challenges of marriage therapy. Extradyadic affairs can have an overwhelmingly disturbing impact on a couple’s relationship.

Not only are partners confused about how to continue the relationship, but therapists and counsellors also state that dealing with affairs is one of their toughest tasks.

Intimate relationships are critically important for most adults and highly influence overall happiness and health. Indeed, fulfilling relationships can provide well-being and social support and prevent countless stressors. However, when substantial stress, fights or disappointment accompany these relationships, they can result in toxic consequences to physical and mental health (e.g. depression, anxiety).

How to deal with an affair in couple counselling

Jealousy is a normal human reaction after discovering the infidelity of the partner. It may cause obsessive thoughts associated with imagining the intimacies of the affair, obsessive overthinking and compulsive actions aimed at knowing all of the details of the affair. Moreover, it often leads to clingy behaviours and remorseless inquiries concerning the partner’s location. In addition, the discovery of an affair often generates fury and hypervigilance for continuous betrayal.

Marriage therapists usually conceptualise infidelity as a traumatic interpersonal experience. Therefore, I see the mentioned and other symptoms, including flashbacks, hyperarousal or shock, as post-traumatic.

Couples counselling, integrated approach

Nevertheless, trauma interventions are insufficient to aid couples in recovering from an affair. The couples therapy is effective for infidelity-specific issues and should incorporate

• trauma-based,
• insight-oriented,
• forgiveness,
• cognitive-behavioural interventions

Stages of the therapy

Consequently, my therapeutic approach is based on forgiveness, cognitive reappraisal, behavioural techniques and response to trauma. It includes three key phases.

1. Managing the Initial Impact of Infidelity

In this phase, we address the initial impact of the affair. Thus, the treatment mechanisms for this phase are mainly trauma-oriented and cognitive-behavioural. They directly address issues that arise from the immediate effect of infidelity (e.g. depression and emotional dysregulation). Depending on the symptom severity or pre-existing psychiatric conditions, marriage therapists may recommend a psychiatric evaluation.
In addition to the initial assessment, the first phase of infidelity aims at improving the following skills:

• setting healthy boundaries,
• self-care techniques,
• time-out techniques,
• emotional regulation skills

2. Getting an insight

In the second phase of the therapy, I aid the couple in exploring both distal and proximal factors that caused the participating partner to engage in the affair. Consequently, interventions in this stage of the therapy are mainly insight-oriented and include cognitive restructuring strategies.

3. Moving forward

In the third phase of the infidelity treatment in marriage counselling, I encourage the couple to synthesise what they have explored about each other and reconsider their relationship. Subsequently, partners decide how or whether they wish to proceed with their relationship. Finally, the couple starts working on enhancing their relationship in the here and now or initiating termination actions. Forgiveness-oriented interventions are crucial in this phase.

Marriage Counselling and Couples Therapy. Summary

One of the saddest reasons a marriage dies is that neither partner recognises its value until it’s too late. Too often, a good marriage is taken for granted instead of being nourished and respected as it deserves and needs.

Even after many years of marriage, spouses want to be appreciated by each other. Appreciation in this case has nothing to do with expensive gifts or elaborate gestures. Rather, it’s about being there for each other as humans. Pay attention to each other and listen. Show consideration for each other in everyday life and don’t betray each other’s trust.

stage,If the relationship reaches such a stage, preventing further escalation is very hard. However, it’s important to remember: A partnership must be nurtured! Don’t stop making an effort for each other once you’re married. Take an active interest in each other’s wishes and needs.

What to Expect from Marriage Counselling and Couples Therapy

Your therapist will impart information on improving general communication and advanced communication skills. During couple therapy & marriage counselling, the differences between functional and dysfunctional relationships and lifestyles are emphasised. When couples have children, a counsellor will also address parenting issues that cause conflict and impart basic positive parenting techniques. Counsellors also give information on positive conflict resolution techniques and the basics of solution-focused discussion. A counsellor will emphasise and encourage the four basic elements required for a healthy relationship: respect, honesty, equality, and communication.

Today’s couple therapy & marriage counsellors have the advantage of having a vast amount of research findings at their disposal to be aware of consistent patterns within couples & marriages or relationships. Couple’s counsellors help couples identify dysfunctional patterns of behaviour so the couple can replace them with functional patterns. The end goal is to facilitate marital stability and happiness and to highlight that relationships require ongoing attention.

Dynamics in Couple Relationships

Every relationship has its ups and downs. Especially in the early stages, it can be particularly turbulent. Your partner is new, with different interests and habits. Understanding and accepting them can take time.

When everything eventually falls into place and you both can hardly imagine a future without each other, it’s time for the next step: engagement and marriage. A wedding not only binds two people closer together but also serves as a special symbol of love. When two people decide to tie the knot, they show they’re ready for more responsibility and can look forward to a shared life full of exciting adventures.

Dealing with Jealousy in Marriage Counselling

Jealousy, particularly pathological, can be a destructive emotional response to perceived threats to a valued relationship. On the other hand, jealousy is a natural instinct to protect our relationship. Evolutionists claim that jealousy is a simple response to the perception of potential danger. Proponents of the cognitive-behavioural approach see jealousy as a form of agitated, angry worry.

Jealousy is a natural tendency we can cope with rather than act on. CBT for (pathological) jealousy aims at learning to notice, accept and regulate the jealousy response. The cognitive-behavioural approach to dealing with jealousy incorporates metacognitive, mindfulness and acceptance techniques. It helps jealous individuals accept uncertainty—an unavoidable fragment of any relationship.

Psychodynamic Therapy in Couples Counselling

Overall, the psychodynamic therapy in couple counselling provides a valuable framework for understanding and working through relationship issues. It helps to explore the unconscious motivations and conflicts that are impacting the relationship; couples gain new insights and develop new strategies for improving their relationship.

In conclusion, marriage counselling can be a valuable resource for couples facing a wide range of relationship challenges. From improving communication to working through significant problems, therapy helps partners create a stronger, more satisfying relationship. It requires effort and commitment, but the results can be life-changing. If you’re struggling in your relationship, consider seeking the help of a trained couple’s therapist.

Importance of Collusion Concept in Couples Therapy

Collusion is a psychological term for behaviour patterns in relationships caused by an unconscious interplay of different forces. The concept of collusions in couple relationships was developed by the Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Jürg Willi. It was his great contribution to understanding the psychodynamics in couple’s relationships.

Willi was the first psychotherapist who applied psychodynamic therapy in couple’s counselling. He expanded the classical Freudian psychoanalysis on dyadic relationships. The concept is still highly relevant in the couple therapy but also in the single sessions with one of the partners.

Gottman Method in Marriage Counselling

The Gottman Method of Marriage Counselling offers couples a practical, research-based approach to improving relationships and resolving conflicts. This method is designed to help couples improve their relationship and resolve conflicts by improving communication skills, increasing intimacy, and addressing negative patterns of behaviour. The research-based methods on marriage counselling focus on four principles.

1. Building a strong foundation is key. The Gottman Method emphasises the importance of building a solid practice foundation for the relationship. This includes establishing trust, shared meaning, and intimacy.
2. Improving communication is equally important. The method teaches couples effective communication techniques, such as active listening, expressing feelings without blame, and staying calm during disagreements.
3. Addressing negative patterns also plays a role. The Gottman Method identifies negative patterns of behaviour. These can be criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and withdrawal, and it helps couples change these behaviours to improve their relationship.
4. Enhancing intimacy is possible. The method also focuses on enhancing intimacy and building emotional connections through shared experiences, emotional expression, and physical affection.

Gottman Method can help with a variety of relationship problems, from frequent arguments to infidelity and emotional distance. The method aims to assist individuals in every stage of their relationship, regardless of race, class, or cultural identity. It has proven effective in helping couples build strong foundations, improve communication, address negative patterns, and enhance intimacy.

Gottman Marriage Test

We offer the Gottman Marriage Test, giving you the detailed Gottman Relationship Checkup with an analysis, insights, and recommendations that are individually tailored based on people’s responses. The test evaluates 15 categories across 4 pillars, which take regional, cultural, and religious differences into account.

The analysis and detailed report can also help getting started with couples therapy, such as the Gottman Method Couples Therapy. The report provides many insights that can aid you in identifying key areas to solve for, which you can then discuss with our therapist.

Marriage Counselling and Couples Therapy at CHMC Dubai

One of the saddest reasons a marriage dies is that neither partner recognises its value until it’s too late. Too often, a good marriage is taken for granted instead of being nourished and respected as it deserves and needs.

In the articles listed above, we pointed out the signs announcing a marital crisis and methods of solving them. Of course, it’s impossible to avoid every crisis. However, by addressing the most common causes of marital crises, partners can still take preventive action. If the “self-help” strategies fail, they need a professional couple/marriage counsellor.

Marriage counselling at CHMC offers a safe setting. In the safety of a couple’s session, couples are empowered to communicate openly about their feelings and needs. Counselling helps bring unspoken issues to the forefront and facilitates addressing them. Past incidents/disappointment are processed, so this “extra baggage” can be put down and not continue to intrude on the present. It is through open communication that couples move forward in a positive way.

Our marriage counsellors take into consideration the socio-cultural context, the impact of childhood experiences, gender and individual differences, and the challenges of modern life.

During couple therapy, we help people gain understanding about themselves and their relationship. Our goal is to improve couples’ communication, solving misunderstandings and facilitating their happiness.

FAQs about Mariage Counselling

In the below Frequently Asked Questions we provide the answers to the most common question about marriage counselling in Dubai.

CHMC, is a German Clinic for Psychiatry and Psychology located in Dubai. We offer assessment and therapy for couples based on Gottman method.

What is marriage counseling?

Marriage counseling, is a psychotherapeutic approach aimed at assisting couples in resolving conflicts, enhancing communication, and fortifying their relationship.

When should we consider marriage counseling?

Couples may consider marriage counseling when they are experiencing communication problems, frequent arguments, trust issues, difficulties resolving conflicts, or when they feel disconnected from each other.

How does marriage counseling work?

Marriage counselling typically involves sessions with a trained therapist who helps couples explore their relationship dynamics, identify areas of concern, and learn new skills to improve communication, resolve conflicts, and rebuild intimacy.

How long does marriage counseling last?

The length of marriage counseling varies based on the couple’s needs and objectives. While some couples find value in short-term counseling, spanning only a few sessions, others may need longer-term therapy to address more profound issues within their relationship.

Is marriage counseling confidential?

Yes, marriage counseling sessions are confidential, and therapists are bound by strict ethical and legal guidelines to protect the privacy of their clients. However, there are exceptions to confidentiality, such as if there is a risk of harm to oneself or others.

Does marriage counseling work for everyone?

While marriage counseling can be beneficial for many couples, its effectiveness depends on various factors, including the willingness of both partners to participate actively in the process, the severity of relationship issues, and the quality of the therapeutic relationship with the counselor.

Can marriage counselling make things worse?

The effectiveness of marriage counseling often depends on factors such as the willingness of both partners to participate, the quality of the therapeutic relationship, and the skill of the therapist in guiding the process. If a couple is considering marriage counseling, it may be helpful to thoroughly research therapists, communicate openly about expectations and concerns, and approach therapy with a willingness to work together towards positive change.

Can marriage counselling save marriage?

Marriage counseling can be effective in saving marriages by providing couples with a safe and supportive environment to address conflicts, improve communication, rebuild trust, and strengthen their relationship. With the guidance of a skilled therapist, couples can learn new skills, gain insight into their relationship dynamics, and work together to overcome challenges. However, the success of marriage counseling depends on various factors, including the willingness of both partners to actively participate in the process, the severity of relationship issues, and the quality of the therapeutic relationship with the counselor.

What is the difference between marriage counselling and couple therapy?

Briefly, marriage counseling and couple therapy are similar forms of therapy aimed at improving relationships, addressing conflicts, and enhancing communication between partners. Marriage counseling typically focuses on couples who are married or engaged and may emphasize issues within the context of marriage, while couple therapy is a broader term that includes couples in various relationship stages, such as dating or cohabiting, and may be more inclusive of diverse relationship structures.

What can you expect from marriage counselling?

In marriage counselling, sessions typically last 55 minutes. During the initial session, which serves as an assessment, background information is gathered from both partners. Subsequent sessions, usually the 2nd and 3rd, involve meeting individually with each partner to explore their relationship histories. Starting from the 4th session, couples reconvene to examine their interaction patterns. At times, individual meetings may be requested again if issues arise that affect the sense of safety and vulnerability within the relationship.

Sources

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Christensen A, Atkins DC, Yi J, Baucom DH, & George WH. (2006). The couple and individual adjustment for 2 years following a randomized clinical trial comparing traditional versus integrative behavioral couple therapy. J Consult Clin Psychol. 74(6):1180-91

Gottman, John M. (1993). “A theory of marital dissolution and stability”. Journal of Family Psychology. 7 (1): 57–75. doi:10.1037/0893-3200.7.1.57

Lauer, Robert H. (1994). Marriage and family: the quest for intimacy. Madison, Wis.Brown & Benchmark,