Gottman Method in Marriage Counselling. Introduction
Dr. John Gottman is one of the most well-known contemporary relationship researchers. His method is an approach to marriage counselling therapy that involves a thorough, scientifically based assessment of the couple’s relationship.
Gottman’s theory identifies four main behaviours – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The quality of these behaviours help are significant predictors of relationship failure. These concepts are widespread not only in academic psychology but also in popular science literature and counselling practice.
The goals of the Gottman Method in marriage counselling are to defuse conflicts in verbal communication, strengthen intimacy, respect, and affection. Being able to predict the potential risk of a divorce allows the couple to take pre-emptive steps and overcome even the most destructive relationship patterns.
John Gottman. Short Biographic Note
John Gottman has earned a reputation through his insights in relationship research. With an academic background backed by a Ph.D. in Psychology from the University of Wisconsin and subsequent postdoctoral studies at MIT, Gottman has spent over four decades exploring the nuances of human relationships.
He is particularly known for his work at the “Love Lab” at the University of Washington. He conducted with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, unique and groundbreaking experimental studies. These studies, involved observing couples in an environment modelled in an ordinary living space. He gathered valuable data on partner interactions, enabling him to identify patterns and behaviours crucial to the success or failure of relationships.
Gottman’s bestsellers book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” makes his research findings accessible to a wider audience.
John Gottman is a co-founder of the Gottman Institute, popularizing his knowledge and methods to help couples build healthier relationships.
Applying Seven Principles in Gottman Method in Marriage Counselling
Gottman Method in marriage counselling identifies the conflicts and helps to resolve them based on seven principles used by successful and harmonious marriages.
First Principle of Gottman Method: Updating the Partners “Map”
Many spouses have only vague ideas about each other’s joys, preferences, dislikes, and fears. Couples with emotional intelligence are deeply familiar with each other’s world—they have a detailed “map” of their partner. They know each other’s life goals, worries, and hopes. Without this knowledge, you can’t truly know your partner. For example, the majority of couples experienced a sudden drop in marital satisfaction when they became parents for the first time. Couples whose marriage even improved after childbirth had a detailed knowledge of each other.
So, make time to tell each other about your day. Spend at least one evening together each week. Few gifts partners can give each other are as significant as the joy of feeling understood and accepted. The more you know about each other’s inner world, the stronger and more fulfilling your partnership will be.
Second Principle: Nurture Admiration for Each Other
Affection and admiration are two crucial components of a fulfilling and enduring relationship. Even though happily married couples may sometimes feel frustrated with their partner’s quirks, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect. However, if this feeling is absent in a marriage, the relationship cannot be revived.
To determine if a couple still has a functioning system of affection and admiration, you can ask the partners about their memories from the past. Couples who view the history of their marriage positively will also have a happy future. However, if happy memories are suppressed, then it is a sign that the marriage needs help.
Avoiding Contempt
Contempt is an acid that destroys the bond between husband and wife over time. If you’ve lost affection and admiration for your partner, be reminded that you fall in love with your spouse because you admired his/her qualities. The saying that love is blind is utterly trough. The initial fascination by a partner is always one-sided neglecting the less favorable characteristics. But you will agree that nobody is perfect. Loving your partner as a real person with all imperfections is a sign of a mature relationship. The closer you are to your deep-seated positive feelings for each other, the less likely you are to treat your partner with contempt when you disagree.
It’s not difficult at all to revive or increase affection and admiration in your relationship. Even long-buried positive feelings can be easily brought to light by thinking and talking about them.
Third Principle: Turn Towards Each Other
A deeply rooted love is kept alive when you let your partner know how much you appreciate them, despite the daily grind. The inner bond between partners can be solidified by “making bids.”
Make a bid
Making a bid for partner’s attention, affection, or support helps to turn towards each other. It lays the foundation for an emotional connection, and passion. Partners who have the tendency to turn towards each other rather than turn away are depositing something into their mutual emotional bank account. They are creating an emotional reserve that will serve as a backup when times get tough. Because they have accumulated all this goodwill, it will be easier for them to be generous with each other even in difficult times.
The small things matter
Many people think that the secret to reconnecting with their partner is a candlelit dinner or an exclusive vacation. But the real secret is turning towards each other in many small ways every day. A candlelit dinner only fuels the affection if the couple has built the right embers by staying connected in all the little moments.
Partners often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of thoughtlessness, not malice. The first step towards each other is to realize how important these ordinary moments are for a balanced and affectionate marriage.
Fourth Principle: Let Yourself Be Influenced by Your Partner
There was a time when macho attitudes were commonplace among husbands. However, today men who allow their wives to influence them are happier in their marriages. It’s equally important for wives to treat their husbands with appreciation and respect. However, research shows that the vast majority of women already do this. They allow themselves to be influenced by their husbands in decision-making by considering their views and feelings. Unfortunately, men very rarely return this favour.
The wives of men who allow their partners’ influence are much less likely to be harsh with their husbands when bringing up a sensitive issue in an argument. Therefore, their marriage will be more resilient.
Keeping “balance of power”
When a husband allows himself to be influenced by his wife, his open-mindedness supports the positive aspects of his relationship by strengthening the friendship with his wife. This happens not only because it makes the marriage much more enjoyable when there isn’t a constant power struggle (collusive imbalance of power), but also because such a husband is capable of learning from his wife. Especially about feelings and relationships, men can learn a lot from women.
This allows them to understand the world of women much better, as well as that of their children and friends. Perhaps they won’t react as sensitively as women, but they will learn how to communicate emotionally better. This is not only beneficial for the marriage but also for the children. A husband who treats his wife as equal and allow himself to be influenced by her is usually a wonderful father.
Fifth Principle: Solve Your Solvable Problems
The fifth principle of Gottman Method in marriage counselling encompasses the following steps:
1. Start gently
In couples’ relationships women are much more likely than man to bring up sensitive issues and then push to resolve them. A crucial point in discussing relationships problems is the “how and when”. Starting off gently and in a quiet atmosphere is essential if you want to solve conflicts. Discussing problems in an aggressive manner will only further escalate the situation. But if you start off gently—if you complain but don’t criticize or attack your partner in any way—then the discussion will likely end productively.
2. Learn to make and accept repair attempts
If your discussion starts off on the wrong foot, or you find yourselves in an endless cycle of blame, you can prevent a disaster by knowing how to put the brakes on. Gottman calls this “braking repair attempts”. There are specific words you can say to your partner to de-escalate the tension. If you use them in a negatively tuned discussions, you’ll be able to prevent your arguments from escalating. If your partner makes a repair attempt, it’s your job to simply accept it. See the interruptions as a request to turn things around for the better. That also means allowing yourself to be influenced by your partner.
3. Calm yourselves and each other
To calm each other, you must first seriously address flooding. The first step is to interrupt the fight. If you continue, you’ll either explode or shut down in front of your partner, and neither of these reactions will take you anywhere but further down the stairs. Therefore, the only sensible strategy is to let your partner know that you’re feeling flooded and need a break. This break should last at least half an hour. Turn back to the discussion only if your rage is over.
It’s important to get the insight about yours and your partner’s character and temperament. This helps to calm each other in difficult situations resolving the tensions before the conflict escalates.
4. Make compromises
Whether you like it or not, the only solution to marital problems lies in compromise. In a relationship, it’s simply not possible for everything to go your way. Demonstrating always that you are right would create such inequality and injustice that the marriage would spiral down.
Before attempting to resolve a conflict, remember that the cornerstone of any compromise is the fourth secret of a good marriage, which is allowing influence. That means a compromise only works if you’re open to your partner’s opinions and desires.
5. Exercise
Decide together which solvable problem you want to tackle. Then sit separately and think about the problem. Remember, the more capable you are of compromising, the more convincing you will be to your partner.
6. Tolerate each other’s mistakes
All too often, a marriage is trapped in “if only.” If only your partner were taller, richer, smarter, prettier, or more erotic, all your problems would disappear. As long as this attitude prevails, it will be very difficult to manage conflicts.
If you can’t accept your partner’s quirks and weaknesses, you won’t be able to reach a successful compromise. Instead, you’ll always futilely try to change your partner. Conflict resolution isn’t about one person changing; it’s about negotiation, finding common ground, and finding ways to move forward together.
Sixth Principle of Gottman Method in Marriage Counselling: Overcome Deadlocks
She wants kids, he doesn’t. She wants to pray, he’s an atheist. He’s a homebody, she likes to go out. Those are the examples of a deadlock.
The goal when it comes to overcoming a deadlock is not to solve the problem but rather to start a conversation out of the dilemma. The insurmountable conflict will always be a constant issue in your marriage, but one day you’ll be able to talk about it without hurting each other. You’ll learn to live with the problem.
To find a way out of a deadlock, you first need to understand where the causes lie. A deadlock is an indication that you have dreams for your life that are not being acknowledged or respected by your partner. By dreams, we mean hopes, desires, and wishes that are part of your own identity and give life meaning and purpose.
In happy marriages, couples incorporate the goals of both partners into the concept of their relationship. These goals can be concrete (house, education) or abstract (longing for security, seeing life as an adventure).
In a happy marriage, neither partner insists that the other give up their dream or tries to manipulate the partner in that regard. They work as a team and fully consider each other’s longings.
Seventh Principle in Gottman Method in Marriage Counselling: Create a Shared Sense of Purpose
Marriage means more than day to day routine, like raising children, working and doing chores. It has also a spiritual dimension, requiring an inner shared life, a culture rich in symbols and rituals.
Certainly, it’s possible to live in parallel world without a deep shared understanding of what matters in life. However, partners living in separate “baubles” are not the best example for a meaningful relationship. It’s rather a “partnership of convenience”.
On the other side It’s impossible to create a completely aligned marriage without giving up one partner’s individuality. Such “perfect alignments” are possible only if one partner identifies with the contra part losing his/her sense of self.
A balance partnership requires compromises without breaching partner’s own identity. Perhaps you adhere to different religions or have different nationality but have enough respect for each other’s uniqueness to bridge the differences. However, a rich and meaningful marriage needs a “common denominator”: the acceptance on fundamental things in life.
Therefore, a crucial goal of any marriage is to create an atmosphere where everyone is encouraged to honestly discuss their beliefs, dreams and goals. The more you talk kindly and respectfully to each other, the more likely your ideas of meaning will converge. The more shared purpose you can find, the deeper, richer, and more rewarding your relationship will be.
The foundations of shared purpose between husband and wife are built through: rituals, division of roles, goals, and symbols.
Family Rituals
It’s a sad fact that few families regularly eat together. It’s crucial for a marriage to create informal rituals that provide space to be emotionally connected. Rituals don’t necessarily have to come from your childhood or family history; you can create your own. New rituals can emerge from a sense of what your family lacked.
Create your own family ritual by discussing what you desire. Talk about what this ritual (or the absence of rituals) meant to you when you were young. Then outline your ritual so you know who should do what and when. Let these rituals become something you regularly engage in and look forward to.
- A weekly meeting just for the two of you, without the children.
- Celebrate almost any minor or major achievement and create a culture of praise in your marriage.
- Rituals for tough times, setbacks, or exhaustion. How can you help each other heal and replenish with new energy?
- Rituals for staying connected with relatives and friends: Family gatherings and celebrations can be planned.
- Birthdays and recurring special events: e.g., important holidays, anniversaries… Additionally, there are also important one-time rituals like passing exams and weddings.
Roles
Our sense of where we belong in life is largely based on the various roles we play – we are partners, children, perhaps parents, and in one way or another, workers. In terms of marriage, our view of our own roles and those of our partners can either contribute to harmony between us or create tension.
Your marriage will be deeper the more similar your expectations of each other are, the more you agree on role understanding. It positively contributes to a marriage when you have the same ideas about parenthood and uphold the same values that you absolutely want to adhere by your children.
The same applies to questions about the type of contact you want to have with your parents and siblings. Even your ideas about what it means to be employed and the importance you attach to your own work can deepen the feeling of connection with your partner.
Personal Goals
The goals we want to achieve are part of what makes life meaningful. We all have some very practical goals, such as achieving material stability, and we also have deeper, more spiritual goals. Often, we don’t even articulate our innermost goals, and sometimes we haven’t even asked ourselves what they actually look like. But when we do, it gives us the opportunity to explore something that can be crucial to ourselves and our marriage.
Questions about goals in your respective personal life plans and in your marriage:
- What goals do you have in life, for yourself, for your partner, for your children? What do you want to achieve in the next five to ten years?
- Name a lifelong dream you want to fulfil.
- What role does spirituality play in your life? What significance did it have in your childhood family? How should it be in your family?
Common Symbols
Another sign of shared meaning in a marriage is that you are surrounded in your life by things that reflect the values and beliefs you share. Often, these “things” are actually symbols. Some symbols are abstract but no less meaningful for a marriage. For example, family stories can symbolize a wide range of values.
Meaning and importance of symbols in your marriage:
- Which symbols (like photos or other objects) show where your family stands in this world?
- Family stories also have symbolic significance, often representing a whole range of values and teaching them as well. Which stories from your family date back into the past, stories you are proud of and should be part of the tradition in which your family continues?
- What does home mean to you? What qualities must it have for you? What was a home like in your childhood family?
- What in your life is a symbol of your idea of how to lead a good, meaningful life?
Gottman Method in Marriage Counselling. Summary
The Gottman Method in Marriage Counselling is a couple’s psychotherapy developed by Dr. John Gottman. He categorized marital conflicts into two types: solvable conflicts and perpetual conflicts.
Gottman’s theory identifies four main behaviours – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The quality of these behaviours are significant predictors of relationship failure.
Since most conflicts are perpetual, the Gottman Method specifically focuses on assisting couples in learning to deal with this type of conflicts. The method helps to resolve them based on seven principles used by successful and harmonious marriages.
Collecting Data
Gottman Method in Marriage Counselling begins with an assessment, starting with a joint session between the couple and therapist. The therapist speaks with each member of the couple individually. Additionally, couples may fill out questionnaires developed within the Gottman Method. This allows the therapist to collectively form a comprehensive understanding of the relationship, providing feedback to the couple on the stability of their partnership and deciding on the most valuable interventions for the couple.
The Intervention
Gottman Method aim to improve couples’ friendship and conflict management skills. As a result, couples learn in therapy to improve interactions, move from negative to positive, deepen emotional connection, and achieve shared goals.
The method aims to disarm conflicting verbal communication, increase intimacy, respect, and affection, eliminate barriers that create a sense of stagnation.
When to Use Gottman Method in Marriage Counselling
Gottman Method can help with a variety of relationship problems, from frequent arguments to infidelity and emotional distance. Gottman therapy aims to assist individuals in every stage of their relationship and regardless of race, class, or cultural identity. It can even help couples who do not perceive their level of conflict as problematic but wish to better understand their relationship.
Sources
Gottman, John; Gottman, Julie Schwartz (2018). The Science of Couples and Family Therapy: Behind the Scenes at the “Love Lab”. New York: W.W. Norton & Company. ISBN 978-0393712742.
Gottman, John (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. New York: W. W. Norton & Company. ISBN 978-0-393-70595-9.
Gottman, John; Gottman, Julie Schwartz (2015). 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy. New York: W.W. Norton & Company. ISBN 978-0393708356
Nan Silver; Gottman, John (1994). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: What You Can Learn from the Breakthrough Research to Make Your Marriage Last. New York: Simon & Schuster. ISBN 978-0-671-86748-5.
Gottman, John (2019). Eight Dates: to keep your relationship happy, thriving and lasting. Penguin Books, Limited. ISBN 978-0241988350.
Gottman, John (1994). “What makes marriage work?”. Psychology Today. 27 (2): 38–43.
Gottman, John M. (1993). “A theory of marital dissolution and stability”. Journal of Family Psychology. 7 (1): 57–75. doi:10.1037/0893-3200.7.1.57
The Gottman Relationship Institute website, retrieved November 26, 2012. “Mental Health Professional Workshops in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy”. Archived from the original on 2012-11-23. Retrieved 2012-11-26