Dr. John Gottman is one of the most well-known contemporary relationship researchers. His method is an approach to marriage counselling therapy that involves a thorough, scientifically based assessment of the couple’s relationship. He extensively studied marital relationships, applying sound scientific methodology in what he called a “love lab.”
He identified principles that successful couples use to build a harmonious and lasting relationship. Gottman claimed to possess enough scientific data to observe a couple for about five minutes and predict with 91% accuracy whether they will divorce.
Gottman’s theory identifies four main behaviours: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The quality of these behaviours is a significant predictor of relationship failure.
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John Gottman. Biographic Note
John Gottman has earned a reputation through his insights in relationship research. With an academic background backed by a Ph.D. in Psychology from the University of Wisconsin and subsequent postdoctoral studies at MIT, Gottman has spent over four decades exploring the nuances of human relationships.
He is particularly known for his work at the “Love Lab” at the University of Washington. He conducted with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, unique and groundbreaking experimental studies. These studies involved observing couples in an environment modelled in an ordinary living space. He gathered valuable data on partner interactions, enabling him to identify patterns and behaviours crucial to the success or failure of relationships.
Gottman’s bestseller, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” makes his research findings accessible to a wider audience.
John Gottman is a co-founder of the Gottman Institute, popularising his knowledge and methods to help couples build healthier relationships.
Prerequisites for Balanced Relationships
The components for a balanced and happy couple relationship are:
Patience
No one is perfect! Especially in a marriage, we should remember this phrase because mistakes and minor disagreements will definitely occur. However, it’s a bad sign if you or your partner show impatience in such situations. Giving up quickly in a relationship following the conviction “next time I will find my ideal partner” is rather immature. It’s different when both of you are patient and convey to each other that you can understand each other. Of course, this won’t always be the case. However, a happy marriage thrives on compromises and communication. If these two factors are in place, no hurdle is too big.
Honesty
To fall in love with someone is not always just about appearances. Sure, the beard or physique may play a role in the first impression, but it should be the character traits that captivate you. If you’re always honest with your partner and they are equally honest with you, it’s a sign that you can trust each other blindly. If you want to have a happy and long-lasting relationship, this is an important aspect. As soon as either of you starts keeping secrets or lying, the tables can quickly turn, and mistrust will become a part of everyday life.
Applying Gottman’s Method
Gottman’s theory identifies four main behaviours: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The quality of these behaviours help are significant predictors of relationship failure. These concepts are widespread not only in academic psychology but also in popular science literature and counselling practice.
Steps in Gottman’s therapy:
Collecting Data
Gottman Method in Marriage Counselling begins with an assessment, starting with a joint session between the couple and therapist. The therapist speaks with each member of the couple individually. Additionally, couples may fill out questionnaires developed within the Gottman Method. This allows the therapist to collectively form a comprehensive understanding of the relationship, providing feedback to the couple on the stability of their partnership and deciding on the most valuable interventions for the couple.
The Intervention
The Gottman Method aims to improve couples’ bonding and conflict management skills. Being able to predict the potential risk of a divorce allows the couple to take preemptive steps and overcome even the most destructive relationship patterns. The method aims to disarm conflicting verbal communication, increase intimacy, respect, and affection, and eliminate barriers that create a sense of stagnation. As a result, couples learn in therapy to improve interactions, move from negative to positive, deepen emotional connection, and achieve shared goals.
Happy and Unhappy Marital Relationship
Gottman identified certain signs that indicate a happy (or unhappy) couple relationship:
Unhappy Couple
- show greater negative expression of emotions or feelings towards oneself.
- They have a higher ratio of negativity than positivity.
- have more negative views on their spouses or other important people.
- show criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling (withdrawal).
- show more patterns of “wife demanding and husband withdrawing.”
- Think negatively about your partners and create negative narratives about their marriage.
- have greater physiological arousal (blood pressure, sweat, etc.) than happy marriages.
Happy Couple
- turn to yourselves. During their daily interaction, partners “turn” towards each other, not “turn away”. Basically, it means that interest, excitement, and irritability are shared and answered.
- During daily discussions and casual conversation, partners comfort each other with interest, affection, appreciation, empathy, humour, etc.
- Each partner knows his partner’s world and constantly updates this knowledge.
- show admiration and sympathy. Marriage partners show each other spontaneous admiration and affection.
- The apologies (verbal, humorous, gift, etc.) are accepted, and tension is dissipated.
- Partners tend to gently tackle controversial topics. These positive start-ups prevent emotional flooding and physiological arousal.
- Husbands, in particular, benefit from the soft start.
- The partners influence each other respectfully. The conflict is mitigated by assertive persuasion to find a solution.
- Show a positive effect. This means there is a lot of interest, affection, humour, and appreciation.
Read More about Marriage Counselling
- Couple Therapy & Marriage Counselling
- Psychodynamic Therapy in Marriage Counselling
- Collusion in Couples Relationship
- Gottman Method in Marriage Counselling
- Principles for Saving the Marriage
- Signs Preceding Divorce
- Solutions for Couples Problems
- Counselling for Pathological Jealousy
- Addressing Infidelity in Marriage
- Marriage Counseling Research Based