It’s important to view marriage as a commitment. Such a commitment is not broken just because difficulties arise. When partners said “I do,” it was accompanied by the promise to be there for each other even in bad times. This perspective can motivate them to weather the marital crisis together rather than giving up prematurely.
Changes don’t have to be negative to trigger a marital crisis; positive changes can also be decisive. For example, the birth of a child. When suddenly nothing is the same as it once was, a couple must rediscover each other. Some couples fail this challenge.
One of the saddest reasons a marriage dies is that neither partner recognises its value until it’s too late. Too often, a good marriage is taken for granted instead of being nourished and respected as it deserves and needs. Understanding signs preceding divorce can help partners address underlying issues early on.
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Dr. John Gottman identified six indicators preliminary to a divorce. By the way couples argue, the risk of divorce can be estimated.
First Sign Preceding Divorce: A Rough Start
If a discussion begins with criticism, sarcasm, contempt, etc., it’s a “rough start.” Research shows that if an argument starts this way, it will almost certainly end on a negative note, regardless of attempts to be “nice.”
Second Sign: “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”
These four horsemen typically trample into the centre of a marriage in the following order: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
The first horseman: Criticism
Complaining about the person you live with will inevitably happen. But there’s a vast difference between a complaint and criticism. A complaint targets a specific incident where your spouse did something wrong. Criticism, on the other hand, is broader, involving negative comments about your partner’s character or personality. While a complaint focuses on a particular behaviour, criticism makes things bigger by involving blame and condemning character. The problem with criticism is that when it becomes habitual, it paves the way for other, more dangerous horsemen.
The second horseman: Contempt
Sarcasm and cynicism are expressions of contempt. The same goes for cursing, eye-rolling, mockery, and disrespectful, disdainful humour. However, contempt manifests—the most dangerous of the four horsemen—it always poisons a relationship by expressing dislike. It’s nearly impossible to solve a problem when a partner feels rejected. Thus, contempt inevitably leads to conflict rather than resolution.
The third horseman: Defensiveness
While it’s understandable to defend oneself, research shows that this approach rarely yields desired results. The attacking partner doesn’t back down or apologise. That’s because defensiveness is essentially a way to blame the partner. In essence, it says, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.” Defensiveness only escalates the conflict.
The fourth horseman: Stonewalling
In marriages where discussions start with a rough beginning and where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness, which in turn generates more contempt and more defensiveness, one partner sometimes shuts down. This signals the arrival of the fourth horseman.
Imagine a husband coming home from work, encountering a wall of criticism from his wife, and then hiding behind the newspaper. The less he responds, the more she scolds. Eventually, he might get up and leave the room. Instead of engaging with his wife, he prefers to withdraw. By turning away from her, he avoids a fight but also his marriage. He (often the husband) stonewalls.
Third Sign Preceding Divorce: Flooding
Usually, a partner builds stonewalls to protect themselves from flooding. Flooding means the partner’s negativity becomes so overwhelming and sudden that it’s staggering. If flooding is frequent, it indicates an impending separation.
Fourth Sign: Body Signals
Arguments can stress the body: increased heart rate, sweating, etc. During such an adrenaline rush, one can’t communicate or listen properly.
Men and women are truly different. In 85% of marriages, it’s the man who stonewalls. After an argument, a man’s heart rate and blood pressure will remain elevated longer than a woman’s. Thus, men tend to avoid arguments because they stress them more than women. Men also dwell more on negative thoughts that upset them than women.
This leads to a conflict pattern often found: The woman handles stress better and thus brings up sensitive topics more often than the man. The man tries to avoid getting drawn into a discussion. He’ll justify, stonewall, or quickly become combative to silence the woman.
Fifth Sign: Failed Repair Attempts
Repair attempts are efforts to diffuse tension during a difficult discussion. Constant failure of repair attempts is a clear indication of an impending separation. Whether a repair attempt succeeds has little to do with its sophistication. The state of the marriage is crucial.
Sixth Sign: Bad Memories
In a marriage where the past is perceived negatively, there’s a high risk of separation. Healthy couples tend to forget the negative and remember mainly the positive aspects.
An affair is usually a symptom of a dying marriage, not the cause. The end of this marriage could have been predicted long ago (see the six signs).
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